By: An Jimenez
1. Sprain your right ankle. This allows you to rely predominantly on only one leg. Reduces efficiency by 50%.
2. Do not use clip-in bike shoes. This means that you will get zero "pulling" action such that you depend exclusively on the "pushing" force from your quad muscles.
3. When biking downhill, sit up nice and tall. You want to maximize the body-to-wind surface area.
4. Make sure your bike jersey has a hood. Again, you want to catch all the headwinds. Bonus tip: wear a cape.
5. Listen to slow songs only. We're talking 60-70 beats per minute. Science says slow input equals slow output. Popular picks: "Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven, "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley, and "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Judy Garland.
6. When headwinds are strong, refrain from pacelining (biking in a line). Simple tip but very effective at being ineffective.
7. Crank that gear all the way up on the uphills. We want that muscle fatigue.
8. Ride without a rhythm. Critics will say that riding with a proper cadence will make your muscles last longer. That's not what we're going for.
Pictured below: the expert in the field.
